How To Write A Steven Universe Fanfiction
by MiscellaneousSoup
Summary: A completely serious ten-step guide to writing the perfect Steven Universe fanfiction! (Warning: Contains heavy amounts of snark. Do not read while operating a bulldozer or walking your dog.)


**A/N: My wonderful sister helped me write this story! I don't own anything. Read and review, if you pleaes.**

 **How To Write A Steven Universe Fanfiction**

 **by MiscellaneousSoup (And Akirys)**

 _Step The First: You must put in an original character Gem. Bonus points if the character is a thinly veiled representation of you._

 **Example:** Thousands of gems swarmed Beach City, each running around and squealing and trying to take pictures of the residents. None of the residents seemed bothered by this, except for Ronaldo. He was hiding in a bomb shelter that he had constructed months ago, just in case this ever happened. "The invasion is upon us! Tell my dad to stay out of my laptop!"

After they were done acting like even more obnoxious tourists, the Gems decided to visit Steven. Bob, Sue, Peggy, Stuart, Jim, Alyssa, Jared, Karen, Pam, Mr. Gusite, and the rest descended on the house like a pack of rabid wolves. They were instantly killed.

 _Step The Second: Onion is the devil. No, really. He's the spawn of Satan, Satan, a minor demon, a magical creature, or just some creep._

 **Example:** Onion stabbed Steven in the throat, grinning evilly. As the life drained out of the young Gem's eyes, he wondered why he had let Onion visit their house and play with his collection of antique scissors.

Next, Onion grabbed several magical weapons and descended on the town. He would become the new mayor or die trying.

 _Step The Third: SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! Stevonnie, Pearl and Rose, Ruby and Sapphire, Lars and Sadie, Amythest and...Ummm….Whoever! Just shove random characters together! Who cares if it feels shoe-horned! WE HAVE TO GET ROMANCE IN THERE SOMEHOW! Just do it!_

 **Example:** Pearl and Garnet sat together in a fancy French restaurant, holding hands.

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet.

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet.

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet.

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Garnet.

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Ro- I mean Garnet."

 _Step The Fourth: Use Ronaldo as a mouthpiece for whatever you dislike about the show._

 **Example:** _Ronaldo's Writing Journal, Section 1, Subsection A: "Keep Beach City Weird-Worthy or Trash-worthy? Decide later!"_

 _Today, I was in the park, minding my own business and spying on the seagulls for FBI security cameras. But, I saw Super Salty Epic Gemmy Rose-y Lovey Oyster Spit, Fusey Ruby Laughy Sapphy Afro Lady, and Perfect Sugar Cinnamon Bun Child chasing after some kind of monster. Oh, and Neglected Purple Teenager._

 _It's been so long since I've seen them! Man, it's like I see them every week at around the same general time, but then I go for long stretches of time without being able to find them. It's sad. Whenever this happens, I go and reread my earlier blog entries about them until they come back._

 _Step The Fifth: Create incredibly awkward situations by fusing Steven with random citizens, either for humor or drama._

 **Example:** "Hey, Steven, wanna dance? I found some old records!" Greg held up one of his old songs and began to play it. While Steven did the robot, Greg began a fairly accurate rendition of the Macarena and the Mashed Potato. After a few minutes of cheerful father-son bonding time, a bright light appeared, combining the two into...STREG!

Inside their shared mind, Greg went cuckoo-cuckoo bananas. Steven was traumatized for the rest of his young life.

 _Step The Sixth: Make an actual episode of Crying Breakfast Friends._

 **Example:** Crying Pear walked over to Sad Apple, who was building a house of cards. Sad Apple accidentally knocked over the house. This caused the pathetic fruit to burst into tears. Predictably, Crying Pear also began to cry. The other characters, upset at not being in this episode, continued to wail. They all drowned.

 _Step The Seventh: Redeem the villains, no matter how despicable and heinous they are._

 **Example:** Jasper skipped through the meadow, collecting a marvelous bouquet of flowers for her friends. "I am the best Gem and everyone loves me!" The other Gems popped up out of nowhere to give her hugs.

Nearby, Lapis gave her a thumbs up. "We're still up for tonight's poker game?"

Jasper winked. "You know it! I love gambling. After that, how's about we form Malachite and go cow-tipping?"

Lapis nodded. "Great, but we have a find a cow first. I love fusing with you!"

Peridot popped up out of a hole in the ground. "I can help you find cows, because I'm a dorky genius! LOVE ME!"

 _Step The Eighth: Peridot is the best villain, as well as being Zim in gem form._

 **Example:** Peridot paced in her chamber, grumbling. "Why can't I ever conquer this planet? Those accursed Gems keep foiling me! It's that pesky Steven of theirs. That particular species seems to be some kind of lapdog or sidekick. Wait, that's it! I need a sidekick! TO THE MAGICAL INVENTING CHAMBER!"

Five minutes later, she had created a fully sentient robot, complete with her abilities and an artificial intelligence. It saluted and glowed green. "Mistress, I am GIR! I will serve you until the day I die!"

Suddenly, the door burst open, revealing Ronaldo. "AGHH! Who the heck are you and what are you doing in my room? I knew the aliens were upon us! To the bunker!"

 _Step The Ninth: Have swearing, because this isn't on television. Therefore, you don't have to abide by the law of Standards and Practices! MWUAHAHAHAHA!_

 **Example:** Steven gave Pearl a big hug. "Pearl, Pearl, I learned a new word while watching cartoons today! It's new and big and important, so I wanted to tell you about it and impress you."

Pearl smiled, holding back laughter. "Sure, Steven!"

"Okay. I'll say the exact phrase for context." Steven took a deep breath. "HOT BELGIAN WAFFLES! Wait, I'm alone...I can swear for real! SON OF A-"

Pearl cracked and turned back into a gem. Then, the gem splintered into thousands of fragments, then turned into dust. The rest of the Gems also died, but they immediately turned into dust. The entire town vaporized. The entire state vaporized. The entire cartoon disappeared, leaving a gaping hole in Cartoon Network's programming schedule.

 _Step The Tenth: Shipping. BONUS ROUND!_

 **Example:** Mayor Dewey and Pearl sat together in the same fancy French restaurant, holding hands.

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Dewey."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Dewey."

"Oh, Pearl."

"Oh, Dewey.

They kissed, and a giant banner reading 'YAY 4 POOEY' fell down.

Nearby, Dogcopter and Cookie Cat were on a very pleasant date.

"Oh, Dogcopter."

"Oh, Cookie Cat."

"Oh, Dogcopter."

"Oh, Cookie Cat."

"Oh, Dogcopter."

"Oh, Cookie Cat."

"Oh, Dogcopter."

"Oh, Cookie Cat."

"Oh, Dogcopter."

"Oh, Cookie Cat."

"Oh, Dogcopter."

"Oh, Cookie Cat."

"Oh, Dogcopter."

"Oh, Cookie Cat."

"Oh, Dogcopter."

"Oh, Cookie Cat."

"Oh, Dogcopter."

"Oh, Cookie Cat."

"Oh, Dogcopter."

"Oh, Cookie Cat."

 **THE END**


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